Relationship Recovery from Alcohol: Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust with Matt Salis

Episode Overview

In this episode, I sat down with Matt Salis, a behavioral health researcher and co-host of the Untoxicated podcast, to dig deep into the messy, beautiful reality of relationship recovery from alcohol. Matt’s story is one that so many of us can relate to—the endless mental gymnastics, the rules we set (and break), and the “glass of water between every drink” bargains we make to convince ourselves we’re fine. But what really struck me was his honesty about what happened after he quit. He didn’t just put down the bottle and magically have a perfect marriage. In fact, he realized that his wife, Sherry, had emotionally detached years ago to protect herself.

We often think of recovery as a solo journey, but if you’re in a long-term partnership, alcoholism and marriage recovery have to happen side-by-side. Matt openly shares how he had to learn that his old version of “masculinity”—providing a paycheck and protecting the house—wasn’t enough anymore. He had to learn how to provide emotional safety. Whether you are the one quitting or you are supporting a partner, this conversation sheds so much light on the subtle ways alcohol erodes trust and, more importantly, the actionable steps you can take to build it back better than before.

Key Takeaways

• Subtle behaviors can be emotional abuse. It’s not just name-calling; yelling at the TV during a game or constant teasing can create a household culture of anxiety that drives everyone behind closed doors.
• Sobriety reveals the “real” you—and you might be strangers. When you remove the alcohol, you and your partner are often left staring at each other as two different people who need to decide if you’re still compatible.
• Emotional safety is non-negotiable. Matt argues for “100% emotional safety,” meaning we don’t get a free pass to be unkind or dismissive for even 1% of the day, as that 14 minutes can derail the entire connection.
• Intimacy has a sequence. You cannot skip straight to physical intimacy without first establishing emotional safety and then emotional intimacy; for many partners, safety is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
• Resentment processing is a must. Old wounds don’t just heal with time; you need a structured way (like a weekly meeting) to validate past hurts without trying to “fix” or dismiss them.

Lessons from This Conversation

Redefining Masculinity for the Modern Home

One of the most powerful concepts Matt introduced is “emotional masculinity.” For generations, men were taught that their value lay in being the provider and protector in a physical sense. But in a modern relationship, sobriety and emotional safety require a pivot. True strength today looks like providing a zone free from criticism and protecting your partner from the anxiety of the outside world. It’s about having the “emotional
grit” to sit in uncomfortable conversations and lead the way in vulnerability, rather than just shutting down or storming off.

The “Sex Sequence” We Often Ignore

We often wonder why intimacy after quitting drinking can feel so awkward or nonexistent. Matt referenced a brilliant Esther Perel quote: “Foreplay starts at the end of the last orgasm.” It’s a stark reminder that every interaction throughout the day—how you handle the dishes, the tone you use when you’re stressed—is part
of your intimacy. If you are struggling to reconnect physically, look at the emotional foundation first. You cannot expect a partner to be open and vulnerable in the bedroom if they have spent the last 12 hours feeling guarded or criticized in the living room.

Join the Community

If navigating sobriety and relationships feels lonely, you don’t have to do it alone. The Day Makers community is a safe space where we talk about the real stuff—marriage, friendship, and finding yourself again without the booze. Join us in the Day Makers community today and get your first two weeks for just $1.